woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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