I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
