Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
