last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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