This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
