My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
