six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
