Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize