Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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