Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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