The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The best revenge is premature balding
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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