Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize