I think I just saw someone hide a body.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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