what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
