I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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