just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
