tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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