I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
