Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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