I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
