Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
