i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
