Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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