I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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