He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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