If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
