The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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