I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Dick very happy bro
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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