as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
