How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
