Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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