I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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