you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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