i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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