Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
