Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
