As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
