Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Randomize
