Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize