worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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