alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
