Four minutes until I can fart!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
