They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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