when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
