I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
