Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
