He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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