And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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