Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
