Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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