Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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