I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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