I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Randomize
