I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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