My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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