My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
