You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize